Light my celery baby 

Every so often I get a caller with a smoking fetish, this can take on all sorts of forms , but this one was a little taxing 

Ring Ring

“Hello, who am I speaking to?”

” your speaking to David”

” hello David , what can I do for you?”

“Do you smoke Sofia?”

Once a question like that has been asked , it’s pretty obvious the answer has to be yes, even though I gave up smoking many years ago.

“Yes David, I smoke”

“Are you a heavy smoker?”

There again, a leading question

“Yes I smoke around 25 or 30 a day”

” which brand do you smoke?”

“I smoke dunhill David ” for gods sake don’t let him ask me how much they are because I wouldn’t have a clue 

“Dunhill huh? You must be a very classy smoker?”

“I like to think so David”

“Are you smoking now?”

“Oh what a shame , I’ve just put one out”

“I don’t suppose you’d like to light another one Sofia?”

I felt a surge of panic . Then I saw the lighter on the mantelpiece , I use it to light my scented candles . 

“I want to hear you light it, take a big drag on it down to your lungs , then slowly blow it out ”

Bloody hell, he doesn’t want much . Suddenly I saw the half eaten piece of celery still on the plate from earlier . I picked it up, flicked the lighter , put the celery in my mouth, had a long hard drag and took that celery right down to my lungs .

“Oh Sofia that was so horny, your such a sexy smoker. Tell me exactly what your doing? Do you have high heels on? Tell me?”

“Yes David,I’m sitting in my chair , with my legs crossed black stockings and stilletos on , my cigarette held between 2 straight fingers , drawing on it and watching the smoke curl as I slowly blow it out”

In reality, I was sitting on my sofa , in my tigger onesy ( with ears) puffing away on a limp piece of celery and hoping none of my kids come in and cart me off to the funny farm . Also thinking I might give up this celery, filthy habit!! 

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