Every so often I get a caller with a smoking fetish, this can take on all sorts of forms , but this one was a little taxing
Ring Ring
“Hello, who am I speaking to?”
” your speaking to David”
” hello David , what can I do for you?”
“Do you smoke Sofia?”
Once a question like that has been asked , it’s pretty obvious the answer has to be yes, even though I gave up smoking many years ago.
“Yes David, I smoke”
“Are you a heavy smoker?”
There again, a leading question
“Yes I smoke around 25 or 30 a day”
” which brand do you smoke?”
“I smoke dunhill David ” for gods sake don’t let him ask me how much they are because I wouldn’t have a clue
“Dunhill huh? You must be a very classy smoker?”
“I like to think so David”
“Are you smoking now?”
“Oh what a shame , I’ve just put one out”
“I don’t suppose you’d like to light another one Sofia?”
I felt a surge of panic . Then I saw the lighter on the mantelpiece , I use it to light my scented candles .
“I want to hear you light it, take a big drag on it down to your lungs , then slowly blow it out ”
Bloody hell, he doesn’t want much . Suddenly I saw the half eaten piece of celery still on the plate from earlier . I picked it up, flicked the lighter , put the celery in my mouth, had a long hard drag and took that celery right down to my lungs .
“Oh Sofia that was so horny, your such a sexy smoker. Tell me exactly what your doing? Do you have high heels on? Tell me?”
“Yes David,I’m sitting in my chair , with my legs crossed black stockings and stilletos on , my cigarette held between 2 straight fingers , drawing on it and watching the smoke curl as I slowly blow it out”
In reality, I was sitting on my sofa , in my tigger onesy ( with ears) puffing away on a limp piece of celery and hoping none of my kids come in and cart me off to the funny farm . Also thinking I might give up this celery, filthy habit!!